October 25, 2011
I finished reading Boundaries again yesterday. It has taught me much with each reading. This time I also experienced healing and freedom.
The Context--
About 5 years ago I was involved in one of my most painful emotional experiences, (I can presently think of only one other that caused more personal pain, personal shame and damage to relationships). The said conflict involved a number of people. Sadly, the conflict wildly deteriorated and escalated until an outsider volunteered to facilitate reconciliation.
[Note: this is my personal opinion and perspective and the revelation forthcoming since. I have not knowingly misrepresented the facts, but acknowledge that I have likely erred in the attempt to retell those events in a generalized way. I ask for mercy.]
That gifted, caring facilitator wanted to see forgiveness offered to and accepted by both sides and to see budding reconciliation. I and others confessed and asked for forgiveness. Verbal assent was given. Others appeared to me to justify his/her wrongdoing. When the facilitator pronounced us reconciled, I felt angry, not at peace.
Some months passed, and a different facilitator was hired. This highly skilled and highly intuitive man was willing to take risks. At the end of the in-your-face meeting with him, I knew that he clearly understood what had transpired over the course of the messy conflict. He gave us all some viable, healthy ideas for moving forward, but He did not pronounce us reconciled...
Fast forward to October, 2011 --
"The Bible is clear about two principles: (1) We always need to forgive, but (2) we don't always achieve reconciliation...Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two...You can offer reconciliation, but it must be contingent upon the other person owning her behavior and bringing forth trustworthy fruits." (Boundaries, pp. 257-258) When I read those sentences, I literally felt life infusing: my spirit rejoiced because my soul understood that I had done all that I could do. I did not fail, and it was not my fault that reconciliation didn't happen. Some in the conflict did not own his/her own behavior. While I long to reconcile with my brothers and sisters, I am trusting God to prepare me for that opportunity. Experiencing these realizations is healing and setting me free.
What have your experiences with forgiveness and reconciliation taught you and given to you?
For more life transforming resources go to: http://www.cloudtownsend.com/
Enjoy this article? Receive email alerts when new articles are available! Just click on the Follow button or subscribe above.
WOW!
ReplyDeleteThis has been an on going issue for me. There has been bad blood with people due to a series of misunderstandings, bad behavior on all parties parts and just sheer stubbornness, mine included. *sigh
I too have made apologies and received some as well. That is always helpful...right? Again, not sure there either.
"reconciliation" - well...hmm...Here is what totally shocked me: The people I was 100% SURE I could do that with it didn't happen. They refused. The people I was 100% sure I could NEVER EVER reconcile with it totally happened??? What gives? God gives.
I have just recently learned to set boundaries with people and learned to respect other people's- I am still learning I suppose. I have to do that in training as well as coaching others to learn boundaries. How can I do this if I have none myself? I cannot. Trust me, it's easy to be the armchair shrink but when it comes to me I have TONS of work ahead of me!
The issue is people DO NOT communicate! No one is going to know what your boundary is if you don't share that and visa versa. I have walked around for a long time expecting everyone to be a psychic and know what I need, think and want without me having to tell them. That is an EPIC FAIL.
God has people in my life and for darn good reasons. I really do believe that and try to roll with all the weird stuff relationships with people always bring.
Anyway...
But, I am sooo getting that book.
Thanks Amy!
Krista, I hear you, girlfriend. I can relate to all that you said, especially about not communicating. I didn't even know I was "allowed" to express how I feel and how I need to feel and what I need until recently. Yikes! And I certainly can't know that about someone else unless they tell me. Thanks for the comment!
ReplyDelete[Note: this is my personal opinion and perspective and the revelation forthcoming since. I have not knowingly misrepresented the facts, but acknowledge that I have likely erred in the attempt to retell those events in a generalized way. I ask for mercy.]
ReplyDeleteThis was really cool that you did this. Here is my opinion: you don't need a disclaimer or an upfront apology for how you feel or think. You have right to feel however you feel. We should however express them in healthy and appropriate ways which you did and do. (I don't always but I am working on that too :) )
I know people who believe we don't have any right to our feelings. That to feel an emotion is somehow "bad" or "sinful". It's what we do with these and how we behave that matters.
I'll get off my soap box now. :)
Thanks again for the input, Krista. My main concern with my post was that my memory might not serve me well as I sketchily retold what happened. I appreciate your encouragement and your perspective!
ReplyDelete