Identity: Wearing other people's faces

Recently I have realized that part of my identity loss started much earlier than I previously thought.  Parker J. Palmer terms it "wearing someone else's face," which resonates with my spirit.




His gentler, kinder description of trying on other people's identities has been a piece of my identity loss. Listen to Your Life contends that inside of each one of us resides the real person we were created to become. If I learn to hear that quiet voice, which I say is my spirit, then I will re-discover the real me. In sharpen my hearing of the voice of my spirit, I have had to ask myself the following: What faces have I worn? What faces do I wear currently? What effects have wearing other people's faces had on me?

The faces I wore growing up at home were often not effective; I think many of them were born out of protecting myself. These were immature, young faces and sometimes I find myself wearing one even now. (I'd rather not dishonor anyone, so I will label the faces with descriptions and not with personal names.) "Angry and aggressive intimidator" and "helpless and hopeless victim" are two of the more common of these faces.

Some of the more acceptable faces that I learned at home I wore at school when they served to protect or to promote me. "Organized-and-orderly-overachiever" and "obedient- slave" provided me with the approval and acceptance I craved. Under extreme pressure, the not-so-acceptable faces seemed to force themselves upon me. Putting on one of these faces had become my "default" in analogous situations. Teachers and coaches were often astonished by these extreme negative faces because they were not characteristic of me in that setting and were opposite to my normal, acceptable faces.

A misguided lesson that I learned from these two settings was that being in control of me and of anything else I could control was desirable; my thought was that if I could minimize the opportunities in which the negative faces appeared, then I would be successful. Not surprisingly the more I tried to control others and circumstances, the more frustrated I became. And the more I realized my inability to control others and everything else outside of me, the more despairing I became.

When I was finally left with only the option of controlling me, I was terrified. I had NEVER been successful at controlling me as far as I could remember. My parents had told me that for years. Even my coaches and teachers had counseled me about controlling myself. My life became dark and full of fear. I began to withdraw from people. I did not understand that the way to overcome and to grow in self control was to continue to interact with others in every possible setting, to learn from my mistakes and to celebrate my victories, no matter how small. I plunged deeper into the darkness and despair as I daily failed to live up to my own expectations of being a good mom, wife, friend and woman.

After the birth of our seventh child, I hit the lowest point of my life to date. My body, my soul and my spirit were worn out and dry. From deep within me, my spirit began to cry out to God for help. A pinpoint of light beamed into my darkness, and I felt hope arise. It was barely a whiff of hope, but I recognized it. I tracked that whiff as often as I possible could through prayer, Bible study and reading, worshipping and hanging out with people who had hope. During this season, I still wore other people's faces, but they were more often positive faces, which I believe helped me learn some of the mechanics of "controlling myself" that were needful in my life. In that dark and broken place of my life, I also began to hunger more and more to know God and to know who He made me to be uniquely. The baby steps toward complete health of body, soul and spirit that I was taking were strengthening me to partner with God as He revealed areas He wanted to change.

To date, I still wrestle with consistently wearing my own face. I have learned that I like people to like me and am tempted to wear whomever's face I am relating to in order to be liked. Processing with God my daily interactions with others and asking myself hard questions about those interactions helps me to see myself more honestly. I am also learning that this process, the wrestling, is something to be attentive to and to press into rather than something to be endured and sprinted through as quickly as possible. I can see the growth and transformation that has occurred as I look backward and am so thankful to God for it.

What steps have you taken to discover more about your true identity?

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