Summer has been extremely good and busy.  I am finally settling in to the final school planning and prep, which I would say is about 50% finished.  I am not as far along as I would like to be, but I trust that it will all fall into place.  If I had been able to order the school stuff in the spring, I would have missed the opportunity to save money and to borrow resources from J -- a couple of them better than what I was going to purchase.  Thanks, Papa!


The message from August 1 at Bethel in Valparaiso is still resonating with me.  Here are some of my initial notes: 
 Endurance - to abide under. 
James 1 - "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.  Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."



1 Thessalonians 1:3 - "We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."



I want to learn to welcome a process that comes to work something better and deeper.  God is testing me in order to help me go deeper and to move me forward -- to take my theory and make it real faith, a place I live out of.  God will develop faith in you, if you have an honest response to the test; it's not pass/fail.  If you are going through a season that calls for endurance, all He asks for is an honest response.
 
3 Things to do:
 
1) Get wisdom, like it says in James.  Go and ask God
 
2) You gotta get a word, rhema.  "God what are you doing?  What can I look for as a result of this?"  Hebrews 11:13 - "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth."




3) Get anchored.  Bill Johnson says we should anchor oursleves in something heaven is backing.  Ephesians 4:14 - "Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming."  Pray, declare, decree, share it, create excitement about what He is doing in you.  Hebrews 6:19a - "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Anchor your soul in hope and refuse to budge.  Keep your hope fixed and stay anchored!" 


God is about bringing us to maturity and completion, into our destinies in this season!


As we receive a teaching, that particular topic gets tested.  If honor, then we have to love people when they are not very nice.  But each time, we begin to learn and to grow and to mature and will come to the place where it is our natural response.

Realizations, activities and inspirations

Self realizations - I am an impatient person most of the time.  I want Papa to give me what I ask for in a timely manner from my perspective and so often miss the joy of the process.  It's not how I want to live anymore!  Talking with a heart-to-heart friend last night, I also realized that fear plays into this process.  Thankfully the Kingdom reality is that I am delivered from evil and do not need to live like this!


Recent activities - Sewing a seat back cushion cover for a chair in our living room and a costume for the Becky Fischer conference that is upcoming, plus ripping out the seams in the the old seat cushion of the living room chair to use as a pattern for the new cushion, reading Julia Child's book about her time in France (which is where she found her calling), school planning and the usual day-in-day out things.  We have lots of bean, spinach and lettuce plants above ground in the garden, too!  Running in the early morning has been such a refreshing and life-giving change; a couple of other changes in my running have been using a "Couch to 5K" plan that brother-in-law has used for training and a new pair of spiffy Brooks (Ghost)!  Last night was "Truckout" at M's -- my first one.  The grilled burgers were delicious as were the casseroles and the cake.  Conversation was mostly surfacey and not very intimate, although the heart-to-heart brief connection was life-infusing!  The younger crowd has and was having a grand time; we left around 9:30 pm.  This am was an early morning run, time with Him and then breakfast of blueberry waffles and Sumatra coffee. 


What's up for today:  A quick trip to the Monticello library for another Julia Child book, sewing the seat cushion cover and HH's open house.  


I ordered Child's two volume Mastering the Art of French Cooking set.  I love to cook and am interested to at least read these cookbooks, if not cook out of them; more than that I see them as prophetic encouragement in my quest to discover my destiny, calling and identity.  I have felt inspired by Julia's story since seeing "Julie and Julia."  Do your thing, Holy Spirit!


Things still on my "to do" list - order the rest of the texts we need for 2010-2011, read through them and make plans for their usage; creating in my sketchbook and other places; more time with Him; soaking: working through my LifeMaps book; reading...ah summer!

The Day everything was supposed to happen

May 22nd was a popular day this year, 2010.  At the time that we committed to help with an outreach at GW, we had no idea that anything else would be happening on May 22nd.  As the weeks passed, moving us closer to the date, more and more opportunities and events presented themselves as options for May 22nd -- my sister's wedding, an awesome conference with promise of His presence in amazing proportion, a second graduation ceremony for #1 son and other things that I don't remember.  Instead, we headed up north to help staff an AGLOW conference. 


I was torn about all of this, but knew that I had given my word and that we could not back out of our committment.  We left Friday morning around 9:50, which was about 20 minutes later than I wanted to leave, but we didn't have to be there at any specific time (that I knew of).  We still had to stop at the bank and to get gas before leaving Brookston, so we'd be about 1/2 an hour later than I wanted to be there. 


After filling up the gas tank in the van, I hopped in the driver's seat, relieved to be finally getting on the road.  I turned the key away from me, as everyone knows is the proper way and -- no sound or response.  I tried a couple more times, wondered what I should do, started to call hubby and my cell phone rang.  It was #1 son asking if we had more toothpaste in the house, which I told him we did not have because it was all with us.  After hanging up with him, I darted into the store at the gas station to inform them of our predicatment and that we were in the process of getting it taken care of.  They were very kind and understanding and suggested making certain that the van was "all the way in park."


I checked about being in park (we were) and called hubby.  Unfortunately he had to leave work to come to help us in the end.  He tried to get someone else of the mechanic persuasion to come, but to no avail.  He was fairly certain that it was a bad battery terminal which he had forgotten to have fixed.  The Ford dealership in town had told him that we could bring the van to them to be fixed right away, which is exactly what happened and for not very much money or time spent.  By now we were two hours later than I intended to leave from home -- oh well. 


Since it was raining, I debated about taking 65N or not.  The rain was gentle and only slightly annoying, and the traffic looked reasonable, so we went for it.  Unfortunately the rain picked up and at times was so hard that I struggled to see the road and traffic in front of me.  I finally decided that we would exit at the closest exit possible, which turned out to be the one I had planned on taking before the rain was an issue -- whew.


After talking with my friend and assuring her that we were close, I settled back for the final few miles to her house...we arrived in good time to find that she had not returned from the store...we waited... and waited... and waited... Finally the kids urged me to call her again.  Upon hearing my voice, she asked where I was and then she told me she was at GW.  She had forgotten to tell us her plan once we ended up being later than she had expected.  No problem, we just drove on to GW, finally ate some lunch (now it's 2:30 EST) and were ready to participate. 


It was a superb weekend from that point forward.  We practiced "Give Me Your Eyes" and the song Miss K had planned, ate supper, helped set up and prayed before leaving for J's house.  It was about 10:30 our time when we arrived there.  I finally fell into my cot before midnight our time.  It had been a great day despite the delays.  J had also given me lots of home schooling tips that were very helpful.


The next day didn't fly by as quickly as the day before because we spent a lot of time waiting to be useful.  The girls did a beautiful job in the song, and everyone did a great job staffing the conference.  There was prophetic ministry and worship and wonderful presence!  I had so much fun and just knew that we were right where we were supposed to be.  All of the other things would have been great, but this was the place for us.

First day of summer vacation

Up at 6:30 am and spending time with Papa.  Was about to shower, when I heard a whimper and odd cough outside the bedroom door.  Seven-year-old, dear daughter was feeling hot and stuffy; her temperature was elevated, so after some pain reliever, she went to recline and read on the couch.  Later she ended up going outside to "cool off."  When I came out of the shower, I found her in our recliner in our bedroom reading Calvin and Hobbes.  She wanted to know when I was planning to make her the waffle I had promised her.

During my time with Papa, He reminded me that my personal revival and transformation started on Pentecost and that Jesus has done it all.  It was great to remember that the law was to show all of us our need for Christ and that I am a Son and full heir.  I am so thankful for all of these truths!  Right now I am wrestling with not letting go of my dreams (the few that I have discovered) while being tenaciously present and blooming right here where I am currently planted.  It's kinda like being pulled to directions at once.

The other thing I realized was the I don't necessarily like some of the interactions I have with others.  Suprisingly what I mean is that I would rather they be deeper and more meaningful.  The Lord gave me a picture that in the puzzle of my life, sometimes my life's edges only touch the edges of others lives.  I prefer the interlocking interactions for the most part.  It makes me sad and causes me pain to miss out on those kinds of connections.  That's something I'm not sure I completely believed or understood before.

One of my besties stopped over for coffee this am, after the waffles were made and cleaned up, the email was answered or dealt with, the desk cleared, the laundry started and the 7 dear ones sent on their ways toward their first official summer vacation day.  She arrived around 9:50, and a pot of coffee and 3 hours later she had to leave.  Time goes by much to quickly when we are together.  I always feel "filled up" after we have chatted.  I want to CREATE and talking with her made me even more restless.  I also ended up hunting down the movie "Julie & Julia" at the Brookston Library, which led to the process of getting a new library card which is good at a number of libraries, on my way to get groceries and other necessities this afternoon. 


Shopping days seem to wear me out entirely, so after unpacking the things that were perishable with the help of my 16-year-old daughter, I took a short nap and finished reading a novel that had only 2 chapters left.  I finally started supper, washed the lunch dishes and finished putting away the rest of the shopping trip.  Dear hubbie was a bit late for supper, so I had time to take another nap before supper. 

Dear hubby later pulled my wedding gown treasure box out of the closet, opened it and had me try my gown on.  He actually was able to zip it up!  7-year-old daughter also tried it on before we packaged it all up again.  What fun!  Then hubby and I went for a walk on this most lovely Indiana evening.

Lots of loose ends from school and life to tie up, though I don't need to get them all finished this week.  Mostly I need to go through dresses to see what we can find for the girls to wear for the outreach this weekend.  The other things may take more time than I end up having -- we shall see.  One thing that is really hard to manage right now is my desire to create...The last couple of weeks have afforded me the opportunity to be creative in practical ways, like sewing for the play, baking for the reception and open house.  But somehow that wasn't enough.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to find another creative outlet.

I saw the coolest run-down building today.  It had a couple of trees growing out of its windows, which made me think about the determination to live and grow in difficult circumstances.  How did those seeds ever germinate?  They must have greedily sucked up every errant ray of sunshine and every drippy drop of rain water.  I want to be that kind of a person! 

Yesterday I heard from a friend some very disturbing and sad news.  It's overwhelming and made me sob.  Papa, this is Your opportunity -- bring Your Kingdom into their lives!

The Reception & Open House

Served two 13-by-9 white cakes with white buttercream frosting and two 13-by-9 chocolate cakes with chocolate buttercream frosting (a dear friend made the chocolate cakes) for the reception. The invited guests who had replied that they were attending totaled 35. We had one entire white cake and one entire chocolate cake leftover (I cut each cake into 16 pieces). Served UR punch: 1 2-liter &-Up mixed with one bottle Cranraspberry juice served over ice; we made two batches and brought some home. I had another batch of ingredients so we served that at the open house.



For the open house we prepared 24 lbs. of meatballs and 5 double batches of sauce (1 batch = 16 oz. grape jelly & 1 bottle chili sauce), two #10 cans of nacho cheese sauce, 5 bags of tortilla chips, 3 colossal cookies, 2 batches of the ultimate brownies, 3 batches of scotcheroos and strawberries. We had about 6 lbs. of meatballs leftover and 1 double batch of sauce, two #10 cans of nacho cheese plus ¾ of another one, 10 bags of tortilla chips, 2 entire cookie cakes, about an entire large pan of brownies, 1 entire batch of scotcheroos with a few others and a large bowl of strawberries. I made 5 gallons of sweet tea and 5 gallons of lemonade, most of which we poured out. We had served about 85 guests and had planned as if 100 were coming plus extra just in case.

Random

Home schooling: It's probably the weather and my hormones combined, but today the thought that I have never really measured up when it comes to home schooling continues to surface and bob. It's probably also the fact that we just participated in a home school graduation ceremony/reception and an open house this past weekend for our first graduate. Comparing myself with other home schoolers is so very unwise! It does, however, make me want to be better to the measure that I can be while still being me in the process.

When I think upon that, I start getting sad and fearful that I will let go of my newly rekindled dreams and become complacent and asleep. I want to learn to be fiercely present and invested in my present reality, squeezing out of it all that I can knowing that He will use it for His glory and my benefit and the benefit of others, while being fiercely determined and hungry and desperate for more of His presence and the Kingdom.

It just occurs to me that our son did qualify as a National Merit Scholar Finalist, so for him, this was a good experience. Who can say what the outcome would be otherwise, but that's a commendable outcome. Show me how to be better, more creative, more invested in each child while allowing them to own their own lives: messes, problems, victories, struggles, education, decisions. I will lend my strength, support and love to them and help them, but I will not try to control them or make them do it. How I need mercy, grace and love!

The ride so far

The roller coaster continues to gain momentum and speed.  Feeling so much pressure, being pulled this way, being thrown that way, flying up to the peak and racing down to the bottom...it's all going to be great fun!  What a ride so far.

Lots of the details came together yesterday in concrete and today in planning.  Am still requesting another helper for the open house, but so far no volunteers.  This isn't Sudan, but I am trusting Papa for things beyond my ability to produce them. 

Learning to control me and to not try to control others or be controlled by others is a challenge.  Not sure why, but I tend to take others' problems on as my fault or as them pointing to me as the one at fault.  Thanks to my BESTEST BESTIE, I am at least recognizing that it's not true.

Our 10-year-old daughter is the only one here with me right now; she came out with her giant stuffed gorilla named Gloria to hug me goodnight, when we remembered her medicine for the UTI she is fighting off.  It's her room time, but neither of her roommates are here: 12-year-old and 7-years-old sisters.  They went over to the nearby beloved YMCA camp with the rest of the fam.  This daughter, the 10-year-old, is so sensitive and beautiful; all five daughters are, actually. 

Just to make myself feel better, I am going to record as much of the last several days' events as I can remember.  Early Friday morning I finished the re-made crinoline I had worked on all day Thursday in short spurts, in between the day-in-day out realities of home schooling and all that being a wife, a mom and a homemaker involves.  We left later that day for drama rehearsals (which is why the crinoline remake), with a stop as a friend's house to drop off cake pans and mixes for the cakes she is baking for me for eldest son's graduation reception and pick up some stuff for a garage sale that I agreed to deliver for her.  Unfortunately I did not escape from the building fast enough to avoid being asked to babysit for the make-up committee moms' children.  Three long hours in the toy room took their toll, and I was absolutely exhausted by the time I arrived home, with no errands run or shopping done as I had hoped to do.  I slept in a bit on Saturday morning, ran, showered and set out for errands and shopping, planning to pick eldest daughter up from her SAT, which BESTIE had dropped her off for earlier.  My mission was accomplished with only slight disappointments:  had to find things to do for 30 minutes so that I could drop off cushions to a seamstress for her to use for estimating how much yardage would be needed to recover them, and the salad I ordered for lunch was not as superb from the restaurant in WL as it had been from the one in L.  Once again I was exhausted, but managed to get a couple of short naps so that I could make supper and put daughter's hair into rollers; she needs tight ringlets for her character in the play, yet unfortunately has stubborn straight hair (like me).  We have improved each time we've practiced, but have yet to get it right.  This morning we slept in again, and then I made waffles for the fam for breakfast.  Second eldest daughter made a small batch of batter more to help fill up second eldest son, too.  After breakfast was church, then hemming daughter's chemise and making a sash for her costume.  I broke for lunch, then went right back to work, continuing to move laundry through the washer and drier and then clearing off my desk from all the schoolwork, paperwork, mail, email and notes that needed my attention.  A quick lie down on the couch with paper and pen in hand helped me to rest while still allowing me to make notes of anything that ran through my mind that I had yet to do.  Supper prep time arrived, and BESTIE agreed to grill the burgers, which meant I could do the other meager side dishes and make chocolate-no-bake cookies, too.  While the kiddos cleaned up after supper, I hit the couch again for a rest and relaxation time before starting to do more food planning for the open house and for meals coming up this week.  It's tech week for the play, so we will be out of the house a lot (the 3 eldest girls and I).  Our menu this week will reflect that fact, too.  I should plan something special that they all like for Sunday.  Maybe I could do a jello cake for dessert...

So the story for today ends, as I need to end the meal planning and start a different project -- finding pictures for eldest son's graduation slideshow.

Perspective

It amazes me when Papa shows up and gets my attention by repeating something He said recently.  So here I am -- trying out a blog.  Today was filled with such busyness that it was difficult to feel connected.  Yet, I know that I was and am.  The play is one week away, and graduation is two weeks away.  How can it be happening so soon and so fast? 

I'd love to know where all of this is leading.  When I look back, I believe I will understand it better.  For now I keep trusting and moving forward.  Not everything that I choose to do is pleasant, life-giving or fun.  Somehow it is a part of the journey, though.  On my way to my destiny, in the bright and shiny red convertible with the top down, or as I dance with Him, I want to embrace the moments. 

My identity is a combination of who I am (my personality) and how heaven sees me (my personna),  Understanding and walking out my identity is key to my DESTINY.  His extravagent love for me is also key.  A third key is my becoming an extravagent lover like Him.  Somehow those age old truths, that I have known for a long time, are becoming "proven knowledge," moving from my head to my heart.  That's a good word right there!

I need to learn to dream again.  I was starting to read "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" and was captivated by the adventure.  I believe that I'd like to go on a long ship trip like a Mercy Ships mission or something like that.  Let's dream together, Papa.

Before I tuck in for the night I need to get my bearings.  As much as I have languished about the lack of activity up to this point, I have enjoyed the time I did have to spend with Him.  How I interpret the events and circumstance of my life is critical!